My brain remembers pleasure only for a short time. Within minutes I forget what a hug feels like. Within moments I forget a voice. Even faces become vague impressions of oil paints after sometime. Everything swirls, or maybe blurs, like an internal world without glasses to guide me.
Blog
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IS THAT YOU IN THE MIRROR?
Recently, suddenly, and radically, my face underwent a series of very sudden changes.
It’s not completely unexpected. I’m still at the age where my body’s squeezing out the last of the changes before I exit early adulthood, but I can usually pick out exactly what’s shifted. Last time it was my eyebrows, the time before that, I gained an inch of height, and before that, my hips got bigger…now though, I’m not really sure what changed.
At first, I thought it was because I’d started forgetting what I look like barefaced. I’ve taken to wearing makeup lately, which I’m having much fun with, and have even gotten around to regularly eradicating any traces of dark circles. Now I actually look sleep abundant, for a change, and my face overall looks brighter- but no, that’s not it, either. Even once I readjusted to what I look like, there’s still something there that wasn’t there before.
It made me quirk an eyebrow, because it must’ve been a sudden change that happened overnight; something that caught me while I wasn’t looking. Then I compounded on it recently by changing how I posture my tongue. I’ve always been one to hang my mouth open, even though I’m not a mouth breather, because I’ll be talking to myself under my breath so much I sometimes forget I have to close my mouth afterwards. Then I’ll get distracted by more writing, and keep my mouth spaced at the ready in case I have more I want to mumble. As a result, my jaw’s always sort of been propped open, and my tongue sort of rams into my overbite instead of sitting flush up against the roof of my mouth correctly. It gets worse when I sleep- my neck bends all the way backwards. Subsequently, my mouth is open wide.
So I taped my mouth shut. A few days prior, I was joking that I needed to do that, so imagine my surprise when I stumbled across a box of the stuff for $5. I actually thought it was some stupid vanity thing when I picked it up, already being a little familiar with the trend going around, but imagine my surprise when I read the box and it said that it could help with deeper sleep and fixing your tongue posture. Well, shucks, I’m sold! We dropped it in the basket and went on our merry way. I used it for the first time that night.
About three weeks later, here we are. That thing wasn’t kidding! Man, I get the best sleep of my life with that stuff. I’ve already been a vivid dreamer, but this stuff’s got me sleeping a solid several hours. I don’t even wake up to pee. THAT’S a real knock-out, and apparently the kind you can get on the shelves!
Anyway, I was expecting to at least fix the alignment issues in my tongue and neck, but wowzers man, this stuff changed my whole face up. Two days later, and after briefly giving myself an adhesive burn thanks to accidentally getting my lips wet while wearing the tape, it actually changed how I look. The lower half of my face used to be a little on the long side, kind of like a mule, but now it’s…
What exactly? That’s really what bugs me the most- exactly what changed? You already know I’m capable and find great enjoying in spotting the difference, which is why this stumps me so. My face looks better as a whole, less recessed into my skull, but it’s hard to really tell what it changed. I’ve been staring in the mirror lately to figure it out, but no dice, so far. It made my lips fuller, I think, and my nasal bridge isn’t so flat anymore. What startled me more was that it didn’t happen gradually. The change occurred overnight.
Eight hours of also having my tongue set in the correct place pretty much permanently fixed that problem, as well. Now it’s in the correct place even while I’m awake, which I’m sure only aides and retains the adjustments it’s made.
I’m certainly going to keep using it. Not just for aesthetic purposes, of course- I’m vain enough to admit that I’m a big fan of those changes, too, but I’m really excited that my mouth is no longer propped open when I fall asleep. Gone be the days I wake up with dehydrated incisors and a parched tongue. I’ll have record posture in no time.
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‘ALMOND BLOSSOM’: HOW MEANING & CONTEXT ENHANCES BEAUTY
When Vincent van Gogh began developing as an artist, he most commonly painted three things: figures, landscapes, and still lifes. They mostly consisted of nature, like spanning countrysides or expansive skies, or the hardships of peasants, whom he found immense fascination with and sought to be around despite hailing from a higher class. [1] When he wasn’t capturing the working class in his artworks or learning from professionals, he often whisked himself away to experience the solitude of nature, where he spent hours developing the skill and confidence that would refine his style into his bold use of color and distinct, swirling brushstrokes that often make the scenes he capture feel surreal and dreamy.
Amidst his vast collection of outdoor subjects, Almond Blossom doesn’t look a bit out of place. Its beauty is apparent on first glance: long, twisting teal branches carrying copious amounts of bluish-tinted white flowers, all splayed over a background boasting an overwhelming amount of blue. It’s a serene scene that blends in well with the other paintings of almond blossoms, of which many exist by his hand, although something about this is particularly thoughtful and loving.
Van Gogh wasn’t painting in a vacuum. Everything about this painting, from its inception and reason for being, to its color, to its subject, all captured the emotions he felt to reflect a feeling of love. While meaning can rarely be immediately discerned from a first glance, van Gogh’s Almond Blossom serves as a perfect example for how context can influence a canvas and enhance its visual and figurative beauty through meaning, which can in turn deepen and contribute to the understanding a viewer has regarding an artwork and the artist.
Before discussing the painting, though, it’s best to establish the circumstances of van Gogh’s life at this time. When he first came to Arles, a city in the Provence region of France, in February 1888, it was initially meant to be a short stay; he not only longed for the vibrant colors and warmth the bustling city of Paris couldn’t grant him, but to also recoup his physical strength. [2] Once both of those clauses were satisfied, he’d eventually pack up and head to Marseille. However, it was once he arrived that he was taken aback by the overwhelming beauty of Arles and decided to stay put, absorbing and acting on the inspiration the atmosphere gave him.
Indeed, while the region did wonders for his art, and led to the creation of what is now recognized as some of the best artworks of the 19th century, the region was also home to the peak of his suffering. This was a turbulent time where his physical health declined, and his mental state rapidly worsened, as well. By December 1888, he suffered his first mental breakdown and lobbed off part of his left ear, and by February 1889, a second breakdown, after which he only stayed in Arles a few months longer until he committed himself voluntarily to an asylum in Saint-Rémy in May 1889. This was also after his dream of the Yellow House, a place where fellow artists could commune together and create art in order to stave off loneliness, was extinguished once he and the only other artist there had a physical altercation. [3]
These two breakdowns were just the first indicator of a lifelong mood disorder, which rapidly worsened in the upcoming months and was most likely agitated by his ailing health. While the specific condition Van Gogh had is only speculation, during his lifetime, he was diagnosed with epilepsy, where he would suffer from fits if he spent extended periods of time outside. Keep in mind, this was already after a lifetime of major depressive and manic episodes, where his rash and often extreme decisions led to his own father threatening to put him in an asylum. Additionally, he also often expressed that he felt uncertain of his place or purpose in the world. [4] In fact, this part of him is so well known that it almost surpasses his contributions to the art world as: the myth of the “tortured artist,” of which Van Gogh exists as the poster boy. † To have one’s mental state be as well known, if not eclipse the legacy of their work, proves that this was a significant aspect of Van Gogh’s life, and to be wracked with such aggressive physical and mental anguish is enough to make anyone miserable. Though, he did have one consistent bright spot in his life.
Vincent van Gogh kept in frequent contact with his younger brother and sister-in-law, Theo and Johanna van Gogh, both of whom he was incredibly close to and often expressed his appreciation for. They kept each other updated through letters, and the couple not only provided Vincent with unwavering moral support, but were also the ones who sustained his life as an artist. Theo van Gogh was even directly in contact with Vincent’s doctor, Dr. Peyron, as he was the one who arranged Vincent’s stay. [5] It comes as no surprise, then, that Vincent van Gogh was among the first, if not the first, to hear the good news in the form of a letter on January 31, 1890.
After months of a tumultuous pregnancy and an intense labor, Johanna van Gogh delivered a healthy newborn baby. [6] Theo penned the good news and sent it off to his brother with haste, who was greatly moved by the declaration that the baby boy was named after him and their other long-deceased brother, Vincent Willem van Gogh. [7] Upon receiving the news, van Gogh immediately started on a painting to commemorate the occasion.
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Almond Blossom is a still life painted in February 1890 to celebrate the birth of Vincent van Gogh’s only nephew, who also bore his name. Not only does van Gogh finish it in record time, taking only half a month to complete the canvas, but he encloses it and several canvases in a package that he sends to his family in April. [8] While he originally intended for the couple to hang the painting in their bedroom, they instead chose to hang it on the wall above their baby’s bassinet, since the painting was intended for him.
It was a highly cherished piece, not only by the family, but also by Vincent himself; he expressed immense satisfaction during the creation and completion of the work, where he not only wrote that he was painting calmly from day to night, but that it was “the best and most patiently worked canvas [he] had ever done.” [9]
His love of almond blossoms was well known by others, too. His brother commented on it, once writing, “…the branch of the almond trees in blossom shows that you haven’t exhausted these subjects.” [10] (Van Gogh was even so inspired by the creation of this piece that he tried to paint several more blossoming almond flowers, although he fell ill immediately after the completion of Almond Blossom, so he missed the rest of the blooming window.)
Not only was his love of the subject and the love of his new familial stranger a strong influence of the artwork, but also the subject itself. Almond blossoms, according to most cultures, signify hope and new beginnings because of their overwhelming presence at the start of spring; it’s only fitting that van Gogh would chose it as the subject of the painting that celebrates the life of his newborn nephew. On the flipside, almond blossoms also represent the fragility and transient nature of life, that the beauty of it is fleeting, perhaps a sign of what was to come. [11]
Even the predominant usage of the color blue was a choice that influenced its beauty; while blue wasn’t van Gogh’s favorite color (it was yellow), he still often used it heavily due to the personal meaning it had to him, which were the universal feelings relating to the color; sadness, longing, despair. [12] Rather than the intense, rich dark cobalt blue he used for many of his pieces, which often made a piece feel daunting or uneasy, Almond Blossom stands out because it uses a light, soft blue, which can represent health, healing, and tranquility, three things that van Gogh wished to achieve. [13] But that shade of blue can also carry an additional meaning, maybe some of which van Gogh felt deep down above all: hope. Even in the throes of the worst of his illness, van Gogh always remained hopeful that he would recover, even when such an idea felt uncertain and cruel to maintain. To him, art was seen as a healing mechanism, and he used painting as a way to cope. [14] All of these things contributed to his usage of blue in Almond Blossom: what was once seen as a dreary color paired with a symbol of hope to turn it into something bittersweet. Or perhaps, that even with the overwhelming presence of such melancholic feelings, there still remained little bits of hope for the future.
Indeed, the canvas not only reflected the feelings of joy and pain, but largely captured who Vincent van Gogh was as a person: that he, underneath all the intense despairing emotions, was a man with an intense conviction to make people feel through art, and to feel because of art. He wanted to capture the emotions he felt and express them as a form of beauty, and through it, he managed to transform a simple still life into an enduring and sentimental sign of love. Van Gogh would be dead only five months after its completion, with his brother following a year later, although the evidence of his love remained. This painting was cherish by the family; not only did it stay hung up in the family home and survive several moves, but this remains to be the only painting of Vincent van Gogh’s that has never been sold. In fact, to this day, the painting strictly remains displayed on the walls of the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, which was founded nephew Vincent Willem van Gogh. [15]
Bibliography
Conradt, Stacy. “Meet Vincent van Gogh’s Brother, Vincent Van Gogh.” Mental Floss, July 27, 2015. https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/66547/meet-vincent-van-goghs-brother-vincent-van-gogh.
Dietrich Blumer, M.D. “The Illness of Vincent Van Gogh.” American Journal of Psychiatry, April 1, 2002. https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp.159.4.519?mobileUi=0.
“Fondation Vincent van Gogh à Arles – Vincent.” Fondation Vincent Van Gogh Arles. 2024. https://www.fondation-vincentvangogh-arles.org/en/vincent/.
Sanders, Fred. “Vincent van Gogh: More Blue than Yellow.” The Scriptorium Daily, April 26, 2021. https://scriptoriumdaily.com/vincent-van-gogh-more-blue-than-yellow/.
“The Language and Meaning of Almond Flowers: History, Symbolism, and Uses.” PictureThis. https://www.picturethisai.com/language-flower/Prunus_dulcis.html.
Van Gogh, Theo. Theo van Gogh to Théophile Peyron. April 24, 1889. In Vincent van Gogh The Letters. https://vangoghletters.org/vg/documentation.html#id24April1889.
Van Gogh, Theo. Theo van Gogh to Vincent van Gogh. January 31, 1890. In Vincent van Gogh The Letters. https://vangoghletters.org/vg/letters/let847/letter.html.
Van Gogh, Vincent. Theo van Gogh to Vincent van Gogh. May 3, 1890. In Vincent van Gogh The Letters. https://vangoghletters.org/vg/letters/let867/letter.html.
Van Gogh, Theo. Theo van Gogh to Willemien van Gogh. February 24 and 26, 1888. In Vincent van Gogh The Letters. https://vangoghletters.org/vg/documentation.html.
Van Gogh, Vincent. Vincent van Gogh to Anna van Gogh-Carbentus. February 19, 1890. In Vincent van Gogh The Letters. https://vangoghletters.org/vg/letters/let855/letter.html.
Van Gogh, Vincent. Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh. April 29, 1890. In Vincent van Gogh The Letters. https://vangoghletters.org/vg/letters/let863/letter.html.
“Vincent’s Illness and the Healing Power of Art.” Van Gogh Museum. 2024. https://www.vangoghmuseum.nl/en/art-and-stories/stories/vincents-illness-and-the-healing-power-of-art.
“Vincent van Gogh.” Encyclopædia Britannica, March 3, 2025. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Vincent-van-Gogh.
“Vincent van Gogh – Almond Blossom.” Van Gogh Museum. 2024. https://www.vangoghmuseum.nl/en/collection/s0176v1962.
V Lakshmi, Vijaya. “Psychological Effects of Colour.” Journal of Biotechnology & Bioinformatics Research, April 2023. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/370411571_Psychological_Effects_of_Colour.
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THE HOLE IN YOUR POCKET
Why is everything near me developing holes lately? It’s not just thanks to the cheapened quality of everything, but the fact that it happened all at the same time. My sleeve, my shoes, my skirt, my jacket pocket, new. Everything, for some reason or another, has a hole, and they all started when I left away from home.
I want to make this something metaphorical, but truly, I haven’t the slightest idea what it means. It could be that my life is coming apart at the seams and restitching itself into something new, but even that seems flimsy at best, because my life feels great. All I’m shocked by is that everything decided to unravel by the seams the second I stepped away from my sewing kit, now 4,000 miles away from me.
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THE BARE WALLS
I’ve never decorated my walls before. That’s both a truth and a lie; meaning, I’ve never decorated them in any meaningful way; it’s always been one sad little poster, one piece of loose leaf tacked to the wall. Never have there been any pictures, any artworks, any evidence of my being there. Every single wall I’ve ever owned has been bare.
It harkens back to my childhood. We could never be satisfied with just one house for a very, very long time; in fact, the longest we’ve ever been in any residence was two years. There’s always some deeper issue that makes settling down there in the long-term impossible; but also, as renters, our desires were never to stay in one place. Home can be anywhere and not stuck between four walls, so we’d always go leaping between them.
Therefore, the walls never had a chance to accumulate anything of value. Most times, I never had my own room, but when I did, I knew there was no point in hanging anything up; in a year’s time, everything would end up coming down anyway.
Even when I have the chance to make my spaces mine, there’s still that age-old habit that lingers inside me that can’t be bothered to claim them if I know I’ll only be leaving. I’ll decorate my desk, and lay out my wardrobe, and even carefully arrange the items on my nightstand, but never does anything go up on the walls.
What’s more ironic is that it’s never out of lacking; I’ve collected wall art and prints over the years. I picked out a framed design to hang up on the wall one day. I even own a clock I plan to put in my kitchen. They’ve been blanketed with a layer of dust while they’re tucked away in my life worth’s of closeted storage bins.
Eventually the day will come when I acquire a place of my own, and I’ll have to wipe everything down with rubbing alcohol and clean all the floors. Then I’ll start moving the furniture in and lay out the covers and floral sheets on my bed in a very deliberate manner. I’ll decorate my desk, and place my plants on the window sill, and hopefully, by then, I’ll realize that I can decorate my walls.