A telemarketer called today. I answered and didn’t say a word, just breathed heavily into the receiver for a minute like my lungs were filling up with fluid and I was on hospice care. The call was barely over before my mom and I burst out into laughter, and it was so worth the pain in my diaphragm. I hope we remember that forever.
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I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN
You ever stop wanting something you’ve wanted forever?
I’ve always been pretty ambitious. Starting from the age of nine, I’ve pretty much always known what I’ve wanted to do. I didn’t know exactly how I’d get there, but I knew that I had a specific end goal with what I wanted to do and how I wanted to be.
Which I guess isn’t too different to now. I still know what I want to do; I have the end goal in mind, and I still want it, just…not as much as I did before. That’s how a lot of things have been lately. I’ve stopped wanting as much as before. Even my drive has been done for the past few years. Used to be so self-driven and ambitious, now I’m just…not.
Maybe I’ll get my motivation back one day. I sure hope I do. It’s still sort of there, an inkling of it writhing around inside me, but I think it’s packed down by fear. I think anytime I ever want anything there’s always a catch to it, so now I feel like I can’t want anything without it going bad.
Really, I just want my drive back. I enjoyed being ambitious, but now I just feel stuck. I liked back when I’d be driven on nothing but dedication alone to accomplish something. I think the main problem is that I’ve spent so long wanting something that I’m experiencing dream fatigue. I think I just need to shake life up, but in some ways, I’m limited in my circumstances with the way I can. It’s too hot to do anything productive, everything always breaks, everything always gets in the way. The good old family curse is now getting in my way.
It may be far out, but sometimes I feel like I’ll never get that feeling again.
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MOVIE DISCUSSION: SPENCER (2021)
You know what dragged me out to finally come back and write a new movie discussion post? Spencer, the 2021 biopic about Princess Diana of Wales. In all fairness, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, however, it was tragic enough to drag my fingers out of my hair so I could come update the archive.
I’ve been on a recent Princess Diana kick. I’m not quite sure how it started. First it was Amy Winehouse, and with the recent release of her own terribly disrespectful biopic Back to Black, I went down the rabbit hole into video essays discussing celebrity biopics of varying quality. I’d always known about the Spencer biopic- I was cleaning theaters when this came out and oftentimes saw the credits- and figured that this would be fitting to finally sit down and watch.
For starters, everything was on point. The performances, the directing, the cinematography, the score. Everything except for the script.
My goodness, what a disappointing film. The more I think about it, the worse it becomes. I touched on this a bit in my Letterboxd review, but to reiterate: it didn’t feel like a film about Princess Diana. It felt like a film about a chaotic indie film mother being superimposed onto Diana. I’m never going to imply I knew the woman personally, but it should say something if both of her children downright loathed the film.
The movie was a very shallow venture into the turbulent life of a very real person, and it was clumsily handled at best, and poorly done at worst. The constant usage of “fuck” and no other curses also felt like we were taking a leap into the “improper” just for the sake of it, not in order to capture a side of Diana unseen to the public. I’m sure she’s probably let a few curses slip in her day, but the “unhinged” light they decided to paint her in felt more like the film was a propaganda piece against her rather than trying to depict her as human.
Another thing: the Anne Boleyn plot thread. It’s a good idea on paper- I’m sure the parallels and comparisons were too tantalizing to resist- but in practice it was very on-the-nose. A clever writer wouldn’t have the apparition of Boleyn literally address the woman; there are much better ways to go about it, and this is yet again why the movie fails to come across as anything other than vapid.
It doesn’t contribute anything new. Doesn’t offer up a new perspective for Diana’s life, how she may have felt. Didn’t dive into it in any meaningful way. Just like her sons said: it felt very exploitative. I’ve also seen others offer up the word “histrionic,” and that just as much fits, as well.
I’m sure no one wants to be portrayed in an unflattering light, but rather than feel like we were peering into the life of a broken woman who was understandably responding to various stressors and pressures in unhealthy, human ways, it felt like it was more focused on making her come across as unstable as possible. As if she were sick in the head. As if the British Royal Family were in the right to dispose of her. Yet another person who has used her as a stepping stone to further themselves at her own expense.
Very sad.
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I SHOULD START SELLING MY BELONGINGS
Over the years I’ve built up quite a collection of things. I’m not even sure when it happened, too. Usually I pack pretty light, as I prefer, and I’m not really a fan of having so much stuff. But now I’ve almost clambered down to the bare essentials, and I still can’t let anything go!
So I’m probably going to start selling stuff. I have a lot of things I could get rid of since I have use for them no longer. It would earn me a pretty penny, too. I think that’s my main motivator. I just want the cash.
It’s not even like a clutter. All of my things are stuffed in a closet, looking comparatively cluttered since our house is so small. It would allow me to move freely, too, if I only had to go with some fun things and a suitcase full of clothes.
Guess I should start packing, huh?
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COLLEGE STUDENT COUCH SURFER
So I’m sleeping on the couch.
We just bought a couch the other day (and by “we” I mean my mom) because the last one we had was a dainty little love seat that was probably upholstered by the Victorians, so it wasn’t suitable for everyday use. Which is insane, because it’s furniture, but I digress.
Anyway, my mom bought this gorgeous couch recently, and she’s been awaiting its arrival until it finally came yesterday. 72″ of chartreuse/mustard yellow velvet beauty, and I have to say, this mug is comfortable.
She bought it with the purpose of it not just being a seating area for us, but also a bed. I’ve pretty much shared a bed with her every time I’ve gotten back from school, because our house is a shoebox and really only has one real bedroom. It would work a bit better if I slept at more normal times, but my laptop only gets so dark, and she has a real job, so separate sleeping areas were needed at some point.
I spent my first night on the couch last night, because it wasn’t at all difficult to set up, and I have to say, it was pretty comfy! I prefer firmer sleeping surfaces, and I definitely got that here, although it’s apparent that I’m going to be spending the next few nights figuring out what’s the best way to sleep on this. I just barely have enough clearance to fully lay down on this, and to give you a better picture I’m 5’2, so that’s saying something.
But I don’t mind. I can honestly sleep just about anywhere. I’ve slept standing up. I’ve slept sitting on bar stools. I’ve sleep on concrete floors, and one time I even fell asleep in the shower! No, I don’t have narcolepsy, just a lot of sleep debt, and it seems like comfort is no a qualification for catching up on it.
Anyway, this is still super fun and aesthetic to sit on during the day, especially now that I’m positioned right in front of the window unit during the middle of hot-as-hell-precursor-to-worse June, so this couldn’t be a better set-up for me. I can actually wear sweatshirts without catching a heatstroke!
And it even came in this huge box that I can turn into a recording booth! And personally, I think this is preparing me for a maybe future of backpacking and hostel sleeping, so this is a win in my book!