Category: Stories

I was still here when they scattered pieces of me everywhere. Before the separation between body and soul occurred, my being injected life back into anything it could find. It didn’t differentiate between potential life and lack of it. Whatever it could reach for, it clung to, and it didn’t let go. It snuck between the layers of muscle fibers connecting my limbs; it recoiled as my movements became nothing more than electrical misfires; it hardly reacted as I exploded on impact, reducing mounds of adipose tissue to starbursts of gunk on asphalt. It stuck in earnest to the shoulder joint tethered by tendon and sinew, and spilled out with my stomach contents in the acrid smell of apple pie. It was the nail that hung by a thread of skin, the flesh that lingered on granules of gravel. It was every bit of me that was ever me that continued to be me, even as it was thinly spread across a thirty-foot stretch of highway. So as long as life still flowed through me- any life, any piece of me- so would my soul remain on Earth, still fleshy and beating.

Then, once the blinding white pain gave way to euphoria, and the ambulance sirens started screaming, my remaining consciousness cascaded out of my ear canal and trickled down the length of my spine. It collected in my helmet, a soup of cerebral fluid, tacking hair to the base of my flopping neck. It carried my breath away, wind only restored by the plastic tube that parted my laryngeal folds, working past my crushed windpipe as a gurgle. More globules of blood and saliva spilled down my chin, even the lubrication tinted red. Red. The color of the heart absent from laminated plastic; their sign of approval to remove mine.

I watched, from above, as they rolled me through an operating theater several hours later, the gurney disappearing under a swarm of nurses and consenting signatures. A human compulsion initially prevented me from passing through those doors, but to what degree was I human anymore, having been reduced to shattered femurs and severed nerves? Intangibly, I slipped inside.

Hands gloved in vinyl writhed around my abdominal cavity, and my intestines were on display to the world. I stood above myself in agony at witnessing my demise, anguished as they cracked what remained of my ribs for better access, sick as they saved my squishy insides swimming in blood. It was terror, watching as they snipped and scissored and slit and took and took and took and took until they set their scalpelled sights on my heart. Steady hands. Steady slicing. Steady separation. Steadily gone.

Once I came to again, I was somewhere in a hospital corridor. Though thick was the disorientation that plagued me, I recognized this expansive space as the hall leading up to the ICU, where I was laying just hours earlier. Eerily, everything forewent volume. A world on mute, that’s what I called it, greeted me with its solitude. Not even my own footfalls made a sound anymore.

Though in the distance, a beacon of auditory hope emerged: intermittent beeping, accompanied by a familiarity I recognized. A heartbeat. Mine. Though off, not quite. The steady pattern compelled me to follow. I listened, and it pulled.

The feeling led me to several supine figures lying behind a wall of glass. As if the pane weren’t there, I phased through it towards the form that called me. There was no need for confirmation from a chart at the edge of the bed, or a peek at the festering wound wound tightly under wraps; I knew there was a piece of me in there, buried under the sternum of another, embedded inside a stranger I did not know.

My mind churned with a slurry of thoughts. Even after seeing myself splayed across the operating table, I still couldn’t fathom that it happened to me again: my body, mine no more, reduced to its utility, to its ability to be split and shared. But I didn’t care how many vessels they split me across or how many places they inserted me into: they were still mine. They may be elsewhere now, but these pieces still belonged to me.

Time became a viscous liquid that only further confused me. Every time I blinked, I was greeted with someplace new, and became newly acquainted with the bodies and walls that confined me. Four hospitals and six bodied tugged me in either direction, sometimes after a few hours, sometimes after a few days, with my former organs nestled in their bodies acting as a conductor of sound. 

I was a witness to their every critical moment: every episode of night sweats and stirring; every soiled hospital linen; every digit working itself into responsiveness. There I saw myself in vases of flowers tagged with get-well wishes, replaced once they outlived their usefulness, leaving behind shriveled traces of itself on nightstands.

In moments of inactivity, when the celestial bodies would cast a dim light across monitoring screens, I studied them closely by their bedsides. I tried to envision what they were like outside this sterilized environment, how their personalities would color these drab walls, these speckled ceilings and endless tubes. I committed to memory every name and face and emergency contact and medication to remedy whatever condition they had until the information oozed out of my ears, and then reread it again out of boredom. I wondered what commutes they frequented to doctor’s offices, how many family and friends they had to welcome them back after months of thinking they had to say goodbye. 

They didn’t ask to be dying. They had lives, too, lives that they could get back to now that they had another chance to live it. I knew that rationally. I knew all that and more. But no matter how much I tried or wanted to, I still couldn’t shake the bitter envy. No matter what soul was in control of that organic machine, all I could see were pieces of me, and a life deferred indefinitely. I was their extension, and unwilling conduit for their lifespans. 

How many breaths had he stolen with my lungs? How much waste was she left to filter with my remaining kidney? I wondered how my skin fit so easily over his limbs licked by flames.

How much richer was color when she perceived it with my corneas? How easily would maintained sobriety be vanquished with my liver lengthening his life? How differently was love felt when its medium was my heart?

The clenching in my chest never got better. I stewed in the misery at the sight of familial affection and repeat visitors, and eventual sick notes and discharge papers, and as the hands rounded the circumference of the clock, my bitterness and sorrow only grew. After only a few months, I couldn’t handle the idea of lamenting a life lost for several decades, especially when I was forced to watch them enjoy the time that should’ve been mine.

Eventually, I couldn’t bare the thought of seeing any of my recipients in the eyes. One day, I wandered away from one of my receivers and sat under the canopy of a willow, my ears faintly buzzing with shrieks of glee. It was made by the one with my kidney: a little girl, and she made her parents give chase to she with newfound energy. In energetic bursts, she ducked and dove, her parents purposefully lagging just enough for her to sprint by. Every time they reached for her, she’d scream, and her ponytail snapped in a different direction. From the back, her straw-dry hair reminded me of my sister.

The last time I ever saw my family was in a bereavement room, before I was shared, the sight of my elder sister cradled in our parents’ arms. My mother’s inflamed sclera. The weeping sinuses of my father’s nose. My sister wore a turquoise sweater I had never seen before. She must have bought it after moving away.

A surgeon, the same one who would later repurpose my insides, entered with a stack of papers and a somber pinch of his brow, and as the bearer of bad news, he was deliberate in his choice of words. He explained the concept of brain death, how the collision snapped my neck on impact, that it was best to say goodbye. Then, more delicately, he mentioned my status on the organ donation registry. I wasn’t registered, and even my adamant refusal was noted on file, but since I’d donated one time before, surely I wouldn’t mind, so he sought permission from those who would grant it. 

My parents turned to each other. With a brief glimpse into the other’s eyes, nary a tear yet dried, they turned and voiced their approval.

It wasn’t long before my sister’s wailing turned to rage, and my parents quickly ushered the physician out of the room before she could reach him. She was livid at the suggestion, and it gave her strength to stand- until the door was closed, that is, at which point she fell back in her chair, silently crying.

I stood staring and watched her ragged breaths warp the wool around her ribcage. Cerulean rosary beads swung from her clenched fist like a metronome.

My former kidney beckoned me closer. I joined her in the adjoining hard plastic chair, although “hard” was not a sensation I readily recalled anymore. The erratic vibrations of her pounding heart rattled around in my head. She stared holes into the linoleum floors, still hunched over with folded hands.

“You were always more than that to me,” she whispered, wavering with tears. “I’m sorry.”

She didn’t make any further adjustments, and simply sat there in silence. If she eventually went to the room where my body was on life support, then I wouldn’t know, because a piece of me pulled me somewhere else not long after.

Despite my sister harboring my other kidney, my circulation cycle never brought me back to her. It only happened the once, perhaps on account of her proximity to me, perhaps as a divine final chance for us to say goodbye. Maybe time lessened the bond of ownership as the calendar lost pages. Maybe twelve years was too far removed to still be recognized as mine.

My sister knew the circumstances of my birth, perhaps more intimately than I did. After all, I was conceived especially for her: a vital gift to prolong the present, and beneath the supple exterior, a broad spectrum of spare parts for the taking. I was never intended to be my own being; I was merely a means to mend things of more value. I was her means of life. 

The girl’s father eventually caught her, gathering her up in his arms with a twirl. They clambered back to their picnic site, a blanket and spread of sandwiches delicately laid out by the mother, all in spite of the baby strapped to the front of her chest. The girl spit lettuce everywhere while blabbering between bites, wiggling the toes of her sibling, a baby girl.

I wondered, before my passing intervened, if she was conceived just like me. Who has a child while their current one is dying? Was this for want of another, or for more time with the first? When their eldest grew old enough and sick enough, would they explain why she got a new sister, what having someone so genetically similar could mean? Would they help the younger one understand what “organ donation” meant, even though a child has no concept of coercion? Would she be loved afterwards or as an afterthought, only when more harvesting was needed?

I sat in the shade for what felt like an eternity. The baby cooed and grabbed a handful of grass, blissfully unaware of the opportunists surrounding her, looking towards her as their savior. Here was progeny who would never know the reason for her creation, who would never know a knife or be burdened as her sister’s only solution, who couldn’t be signed away with parental consent. She who would live with the illusion of autonomy, whose being belonged to her and her alone.

Perhaps this was my sole purpose in life, to extend the existence of others, and here was my legacy fulfilled. If this was the fate I were subjected to, if I was truly stuck here for the rest of their lives, then maybe I could find contentment in it one day. If not through acceptance, then perhaps through vicarious innocence, to see a life free of being shared. Maybe that was the life I was set to live. To give. Maybe I was meant to be scattered.

Last updated 05-22-2026.

A red spot appeared on your arm. Strange. You don’t remember being bitten by anything today, and this definitely wasn’t a burn mark. 

It starts itching a few hours later. Your chipped fingernails run across your skin in an attempt to get some relief, rubbing grime and flayed skin around your forearm. By the end of the day, there’s such a large patch of raw skin that the mark becomes nothing but a memory. The thought of it is buried under other distractions, like how much your muscles are aching. Body removal is no easy feat. Soreness wracks your body just like it has every day prior, but the severity today elicits groans.

These are the days you missed your apprenticeship at the forge. Had you not been young and able-bodied, perhaps they would have passed you over for recruitment when the parish found itself in desperate need of hands. It would make you equally as sore, but you would gladly take being sprayed by flecks of hot metal over the constant scent of death and ash permeating your skin.

It’s rare you make it home before the sun sets lately, but you’re happy today becomes one of those days. The rising demand for labor meant you’d sometimes be digging until the sun would reappear the next morning, and it was starting to get to you. You yawn. Treating yourself to an early night sounds like a good idea.

It’s cold. 

The beginnings of winter had been nipping at your nose over the week, but this became a very sudden change. You’re unwilling to separate from the warmth of your bed, the unsourced chill of your environment plaguing you with a deep internal discomfort.

Your teeth click together involuntarily. You hope clutching your threadbare blanket closer to your limbs will stave off the cold, but the shivering only worsens. You grip the blanket tighter. 

It’s when your knuckles brush against your face that your confusion only grows. Despite shivering as if left out in the snow, your skin is burning hot. Very hot. It’s paradoxical and only makes you more hesitant to part with your bundle of blankets, but you do. You long for the heat again.

To find a semblance of warmth again, you sacrifice another long-sleeved linen undershirt as you redress in the clothes you’ve used assigned to collection. Even disregarding the added layers, you feel ill-balanced and stiff as you leave your house. 

On the way to work, there are the sounds of children screaming in delight, a rare occurrence these days. You see them before you hear them, a chorus of glee cutting through the tense, stagnant air lining the streets. Never is there much sound lately, other than the intermittent bells on churches and wagons. You want to interrupt the children and tell them to head back inside, but it’s much too dangerous to approach anyone lately. Even if you wanted to, the only glimpse you get is the dark linen dress of a girl rounding a corner, presumably chasing after the rest of her peers. Their lighthearted screeches grow fainter as they disappear down the narrow road, taking their glee with them.

The labor demanded of you is hard that day, just as it is every day prior. You lose count of how many thresholds you cross, how many corpses you carry in your arms, how many times you avert your eyes to avoid the gaze of death boring into your skull. You work in silence with the men beside you, the only regular noise beside grunting being the creak of the wooden cart. Sometimes the sounds of families weeping travels through their handkerchiefs and out their doorways, people watching you steal their loved ones away. The pile stands higher than you by the time your shift is done.

You’re not tasked with digging today, so you collect a hefty payment from the parishioner and make your way back home. The vinegar-soaked cloth tied around your face comes off before you even hit your doorstep, eager to be freed from its itchy dampness.

The first hour of your night is filled with tossing and turning. You blame your restlessness on missing dinner, though despite that, you’re not really all that hungry. The bed feels even colder than it did this morning, and the temperature discrepancy keeps you up a second hour. Not even the radiating heat off your body supplies warmth to your spread.

After the third hour of fretful shifting, you finally achieve a position that quells your curling nausea and adds an iota of warmth back to your limbs. Comfortable now, or at least convinced by the illusion of it, you drift into unconsciousness with prayers that the feeling will wear off tomorrow morning.

It’s before dawn even breaks that you’re thrown back into wakefulness. 

Your head doesn’t appreciate the sudden change in orientation when you jolt awake. It spins and swirls, and you have to catch yourself on the edge of the bed when the world momentarily goes dark.

Though it takes longer to chase away the shaking in your legs, you get up and prepare for work, donning the same semi-soiled clothes you wore the day before. Today you’re expected to bury, which means you most likely won’t see nary a bed nor wink of rest for the next fifteen hours.

The acrid smell of decay inspires a headache behind your eyes, though the labor distracts you from the discomfort. The first half of the day features beads of sweat running over your eyebrows despite the chill in the air. You push the cart with quivering arms, much to your embarrassment. It goes unnoticed by the four other men in your group today, all preoccupied by shouldering bodies and their own burdensome thoughts.

Tucked away in one alley lies seven bodies stacked in a toppled pile, all in various stages of bloated decay. Each of you silently go to collect a heavy linen-wrapped parcel.

The one you end up moving towards is smaller in frame than the others. You peel back a corner of the crudely-wrapped sheet and get greeted by the ashen face of a woman, cheeks sunken and brushed with the limp matted coils of her formerly yellow hair.

Beside her, you realize, is a smaller linen wrapped in her arms. Short brunet hair peeks out from the sheet atop her nightgown. A child. A boy, to be exact, too small to be any older than four. His own filled cheeks have the faintest bits of rosiness still in them, obscured by blackened flesh and festering, decayed sores.

The position they’re in makes them too awkward to carry together. If you want to get them to the cart, you have to separate them.

The mother is stiff as a board. You pry her arms away from her offspring, fighting with some unknown factor in death that makes the body harden. She’s stubborn and unforgiving; you practically have to twist her arm to wedge him away, as even in death she carries the maternal instinct to shield her offspring from the world. As you lay the body of the boy gently on the cobblestone, you ignore the wisps of the wind curling around your ear that carry her voice: Please, please, return my child to me.

Once you have her secured on the edge of the cart, you turn back for the body of the boy. Her wailing follows you, please, please, bring him to me, please. Fortunately for you, no one seems to have touched the messily splayed sheet containing the boy. You bend down and scoop him into your arms, the lightness of his corpse disturbing you.

In your momentary distraction, you stumble on a cobblestone. Reflexively, your arms open wide to catch yourself, and the exchange for your balance results in you dropping the body of the four-year-old. He thuds against the ground. The collision squishes a blister on his back, and when it pops, a dark, congealing liquids leaks through the sheets. You wince. You’re not unfamiliar with the smell, but today it’s more repugnant than usual.

You fight back the urge to retch as you take the boy into your arms once more, holding him a bit tighter than necessary as you bring him back to his mother. You feel like her expression darkens at you, not only for the rough treatment of her son, but also from the way you’ve permanently altered the embrace on her child. Her arms will not go back down.

The plots of land beside the churches filled to the brim weeks ago, so you and the men undergo the grueling task of taking the cart several miles out to a trench only partly used. There, another group of men work tirelessly to pass and arrange the bodies in a deep grave, their heaving only broken by the shifting of dirt.

The strong stench of decay knocks your headache firmly back into place. A man hands you a shovel and tells you to pack dirt over the bodies they’ve already laid out. As you scoop dirt from the pile, you try to ignore the rows of faces looking back up at you. Some contented, free from pain. Some with half-lidded eyes thick with delirium. Some with faces frozen in perpetual agony, marred with deep bruises and crusted blood on the corners of their mouths. Mutters of endless prayers spill out from your lips the entire time.

You shovel for hours, your hands garnering ripped callouses that fold away from your palms, revealing the raw, wet flesh underneath. It stains the length of the handle with trace bits of blood and clear fluid, where thin splinters lodge themselves into your fingers. The stinging makes it hard to grip the shovel correctly, but still you persist.

On one row you come across a familiar face. It’s the mother again, looking perturbed and restless, like her eyes would dart about if she were still able to move them. Her arms are empty again, encircling nothing but air, and it’s there you understand her agitation: her song is missing. You realize he must have fallen out of her linens again. She looks to you, pleading, knowing that you’re responsible for fixing this. You have to.

Your eyes scan around, and finally you spot him. He’s nearby, the collectors having placed him between the hulking bodies of two grown men. That won’t do.

You set down your shovel and scoot down the edge of the grave, slipping down the side until your feet are planted on a soft surface. Careful now, you maneuver over the bodies and make your way to the boy, careful to step only between them. Your ankles sink deep into the carcasses arranged several feet deep. It’s hard to keep your balance, but you get to him with success. Slowly, you bend down and rescue him from where he disappeared between the shoulders of the bodies beside him, and you cradle him close to your chest, promising this time to not drop him even as fluid moves thick down your forearm.

Once you get to the mother, it’s like she knows her son is in range. You stoop down again to let down the boy back against his mother’s bosom, adjusting her arms once again to envelop her offspring. Her arms are more malleable now, and maybe it’s because she’s more relaxed now. Maybe you’ve corrected your earlier sin in her eyes. Her turbulent expression settles into something more relaxed, more warm, and maybe what follows is a thankful smile. Her shoulders seem to relax around the frame of her son, and with a deep exhale of contentedness, the mother finally rests.

Your palms burn as you lift yourself out of the ditch, tiny granules of dirt sticking to the sticky open flesh. You return to shoveling with little else on your mind.

The underside of your arms burns. Even lifting it away from your torso produces a burning discomfort like no other, the inflammation limiting your range of motion. You slip your fingers between the slight opening to palpate the swollen, tender mass.

You know what this is, as horrific as it is. You see the same things on the people you carry out to the street, the same large, angry boils engorged with pus and fluid, the kind that will overtake your skin in legions of lesions decorated with decayed, charred flesh.

Your mouth goes dry. You thought you felt something hard on the underside the day prior, but you thought that it was just discomfort due to shoveling. Now, the mass nearly consumes your underarm, pulling your skin taut with a milky, foul-smelling fluid. A second bump forms nearby, still too premature to do anything other than kill off the hair above it. It won’t be long before it swells to twice the size.

The collectors have already lost several men, so you drag yourself to work for what’s shaping up to be the final time. Your teeth take the brunt of today’s abuse. You grit your jaw with the use of your left arm, which only stiffens more by the hour. You stop any whimper that tries to slip past your lips, including the one that nearly rings out when you lose your balance and bump your arm into the doorframe.

You spent hours making up for the work of another downed man, an older gentleman whose name disappeared in the foggy confines of your mind. You can hardly recall the events of today, every memory a slew of aching muscles and burning reddened boils. Even your lips feel fatigued, though through your febrile haze, you recall the nonsensical ramblings of final rites you tried to give to the carcasses at your feet.

When you collapse into bed this time, you’re careful to avoid your injured arm, which is now completely immobilized from a swollen blackening boil underneath. Heat pours off the infected skin in waves, enough that you can feel it burning through your tunic.

You lift your sleeve. Two more ugly pustules begin to mature under your arm. Another tries to sprout near your neck.

If there are anymore in any place you can’t see, perhaps you would find yourself happy through ignorance.

The violent twitches overtaking your body rouses you from sleep. The sun has barely chased away the dawn, though the cloud of disorientation still weights heavily on your mind.

When you turn away from the window, subtle bits of liquid agony shoot through your limbs. You don’t fight back the cry this time. Something on your stomach hurts.

You build up enough courage to flip yourself over, your short, jagged breaths of exertion interjected with moans. You can hold yourself upright just long enough to prop yourself up against the freezing cobblestone wall.

The tousled thin blanket draped across your hips falls lower, and your crumpled shirt caught against itself, leaving your abdomen bare. You’re quick to move aside the remainder, where you’re greeted to a sickening sight.

Dark blotches paint your chest and abdomen, and pieces of your skin shine as the early stages of buboes begin to form.

Your breath hitches, then quickens. You crane your neck around to see your back, but a hardened mass on your neck forces you to turn the other way.

Across your back, more discolored flesh. Dark patches black as night climb up your torso like mold. One pustule on the small of your back has already erupted, leaving sticky, crusting fluid discoloring the waistband of your leggings.

The revelation leaves you feeling weaker, and you slump back into a horizontal position, too weak to adjust yourself into a more comfortable position. If you can hardly support your own weight, there’s no way you’d be able to lift anything today.

The parishioner will surely come looking for you, although a sudden absence after weeks of routine attendance typically meant one thing in these ages.

You conjure up just enough strength to place the sheets back on your body, and for the prayers to be muttered from your lips.

It’s dark outside now. So little moonlight filters into your room that you can hardly even make out your nightstand. You have no idea how many hours you’ve been sleeping.

Despite only half-emergent from sleep, you’re already stricken by copious amounts of aches and pains. Even breathing becomes a shuddering tale of agony.

You can’t sit up anymore, although you lift your head just high enough from your pillow to catch sight of your toes. Already the blackness has spread to your feet, turning them into curled, blackened nubs. Your fingers aren’t too far behind, the tips already succumbing to minor discolorations. You wonder if your nose already looks the same way.

The sweat building up on your forehead starts to dribble in your eye, and weakly, you muster enough movement to wipe it from your eyelid. Your other arm lay useless at your side.

Every time you wake up, you’re surprised. You’re not sure what to expect anymore. The leaden heaviness that strikes all your limbs makes them all as useless as your left arm. Soon, you will be no different from a log.

Through haze, you long for water to quench your thirst, or a bowl of soup to fill your stomach. You wish you had any family left to attend to you, or a nun that knew where you were.

A wet, hacking cough rattles your ribcage. The action throws your body into unwanted movement, sending a burning pain down your shoulders and spine.

The cough worsens, and it’s vigorous enough to bust another pustule on your back. Warm pus spreads out on the underside of your skin, and the smell that creeps out from under the covers makes you gag. It’s uncomfortably sticky.

You want nothing more than to wipe it off, but you’ve lost the ability to sit up. You have no idea how long you’ve been bedbound, how long you’ve barely been on the verge of consciousness and failing health. Your body trembles, the entirety of it damp from sweat.

You wonder how long it’s going to take for the collectors to find your body. You live alone and never married, so there was no one to put you outside. You came across houses like that, sometimes, where every member of a family perished, entombed in their humid homes until somebody either noticed the smell, or noticed they were gone.

You think back to the mother and child. You wonder if they died together in that embrace, if she soothed her offspring while the figure of death slipped into their rooms and whisked them away forever.

You wonder who went first, whether the mother wept at the ceasing of his little breaths against her skin, or if the child became gripped with confusion when the vibration of his mother’s heartbeat stopped filling his ear. You wonder if you would feel the exact moment your heart went to rest, whether you would realize that you were dying.

When you’re discovered, what would happen to you? Where would they snuggly fit you amongst the ranks of strangers? Would you be left out on the streets, unattended for days by men overwhelmed by carcasses piled high, all-consuming and forever replicating, until death swallowed the everything whole?

From somewhere across the city, church bells ring. Your eyes are too heavy to open, so no matter what hour they announce, it’s all the same for you.

You find comfort in the melody, and through cracked lips, you hum it to yourself. It brings forth the comfort of a mother soothing her child with a lullaby, like a sermon bringing a soul to rest.

You grow sleepier. The humming continues, and the vibrations from the bells fill every inch of your insides. It fills your ears, fills your head, fills your heart, and when it escapes your lungs in an exhale, you embrace the sound as it beckons you home to be with your Lord.

Interested in how this was made? I have a behind the scenes post that features the making of “Out on the Streets”! ★

First, milk to sprout teeth,
Then to harden the skull.
I learned to break my bones outside.
Summer melds them back together when they fracture in the fall
Hardening in the former glory of spring.

How will I tell my kids it was cold in November?
I wonder will I get that old?