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For all intents and purposes, I’m an okayish writer. I always fantasize about one day being heralded as this brilliant writer, a visionary of my time, but the fact of the matter is that I am not as good as I’ve been told I am.

I think my whole thing is that I can come up with some cool ideas, but it takes me forever to think of a proper execution. Often times, I commit the biggest tragedy for readers and writers everywhere: I make it lame. I don’t think I can execute something interesting to save my life. You’ll sit there and wonder, ‘What was the point of all this, anyhow?’

It’s not a case of imposter syndrome, either; I just know myself. I can brainstorm something fun in a few moments, but it’ll take me the next decade to make it fun unless I have a deadline. Hell, even with a deadline, oftentimes I just don’t feel like it’s good enough! Only recently have I started working around deadlines again (ones that aren’t self-imposed, because I need my discipline to be external), and I find myself to never be satisfied with anything I make anymore!

Is this what getting older is like? I already had a stint of that masochistic dissatisfaction back when I was an animator full-time, but it seems like it’s spread to other creative outlets. Especially because I’m trying to pursue this as a career. Being shit was forgivable when I was 15, but I’m an adult now! Is this the best I can do?

I can only wait with bated breath until Wednesday, where my script will be read aloud and preformed by my peers for our class. And then on Thursday, where an animatic of my own creation will be presented to the class. I can’t wait — I’m downright excited! But man, I’m also downright scared!

Genuinely, I can’t recall a time where I’ve ever been as worried about a final product not going well as I am now. What ruined my confidence? What caused this apprehension? Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t presented a finished idea in quite a while. My last project I couldn’t finish in time, and I honestly haven’t worked anything to completion in years.

I get a little shy when it comes to sharing my things, not only because they never seem to be finished, but I don’t have many people I can regularly show them off to, anyway. I’ve eluded to a series I’m working on to my core group of online friends, and other than some stray conversations with people, that’s about it.

All the short stories I’ve started, all the videos I have written on sticky notes, all the Clip Studio files I have unfinished on my computer…I haven’t finished any of them. I’ve lost my moment to get many of them out in the world, because I never get anything done. My craving for feedback is limited by the fact that I hate presenting anything before its finished, and if I never finish, well, the cycle continues.

Maybe that’s why Wednesday and Thursday mean so much to me. In my mind, that’s the day where I get confirmation about whether or not the things I want to do have anything good to them. It’s the bar to see if I can draw a crowd, or to simply see if anyone’s interested. I need to see if I have any merit beyond mediocrity.