You ever stop wanting something you’ve wanted forever?
I’ve always been pretty ambitious. Starting from the age of nine, I’ve pretty much always known what I’ve wanted to do. I didn’t know exactly how I’d get there, but I knew that I had a specific end goal with what I wanted to do and how I wanted to be.
Which I guess isn’t too different to now. I still know what I want to do; I have the end goal in mind, and I still want it, just…not as much as I did before. That’s how a lot of things have been lately. I’ve stopped wanting as much as before. Even my drive has been done for the past few years. Used to be so self-driven and ambitious, now I’m just…not.
Maybe I’ll get my motivation back one day. I sure hope I do. It’s still sort of there, an inkling of it writhing around inside me, but I think it’s packed down by fear. I think anytime I ever want anything there’s always a catch to it, so now I feel like I can’t want anything without it going bad.
Really, I just want my drive back. I enjoyed being ambitious, but now I just feel stuck. I liked back when I’d be driven on nothing but dedication alone to accomplish something. I think the main problem is that I’ve spent so long wanting something that I’m experiencing dream fatigue. I think I just need to shake life up, but in some ways, I’m limited in my circumstances with the way I can. It’s too hot to do anything productive, everything always breaks, everything always gets in the way. The good old family curse is now getting in my way.
It may be far out, but sometimes I feel like I’ll never get that feeling again.
HAPPY 