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Author: Happy

  • TELEMARKETER SCAM

    A telemarketer called today. I answered and didn’t say a word, just breathed heavily into the receiver for a minute like my lungs were filling up with fluid and I was on hospice care. The call was barely over before my mom and I burst out into laughter, and it was so worth the pain in my diaphragm. I hope we remember that forever.

  • I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN

    You ever stop wanting something you’ve wanted forever?

    I’ve always been pretty ambitious. Starting from the age of nine, I’ve pretty much always known what I’ve wanted to do. I didn’t know exactly how I’d get there, but I knew that I had a specific end goal with what I wanted to do and how I wanted to be.

    Which I guess isn’t too different to now. I still know what I want to do; I have the end goal in mind, and I still want it, just…not as much as I did before. That’s how a lot of things have been lately. I’ve stopped wanting as much as before. Even my drive has been done for the past few years. Used to be so self-driven and ambitious, now I’m just…not.

    Maybe I’ll get my motivation back one day. I sure hope I do. It’s still sort of there, an inkling of it writhing around inside me, but I think it’s packed down by fear. I think anytime I ever want anything there’s always a catch to it, so now I feel like I can’t want anything without it going bad.

    Really, I just want my drive back. I enjoyed being ambitious, but now I just feel stuck. I liked back when I’d be driven on nothing but dedication alone to accomplish something. I think the main problem is that I’ve spent so long wanting something that I’m experiencing dream fatigue. I think I just need to shake life up, but in some ways, I’m limited in my circumstances with the way I can. It’s too hot to do anything productive, everything always breaks, everything always gets in the way. The good old family curse is now getting in my way.

    It may be far out, but sometimes I feel like I’ll never get that feeling again.

  • MOVIE DISCUSSION: SPENCER (2021)

    You know what dragged me out to finally come back and write a new movie discussion post? Spencer, the 2021 biopic about Princess Diana of Wales. In all fairness, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, however, it was tragic enough to drag my fingers out of my hair so I could come update the archive.

    I’ve been on a recent Princess Diana kick. I’m not quite sure how it started. First it was Amy Winehouse, and with the recent release of her own terribly disrespectful biopic Back to Black, I went down the rabbit hole into video essays discussing celebrity biopics of varying quality. I’d always known about the Spencer biopic- I was cleaning theaters when this came out and oftentimes saw the credits- and figured that this would be fitting to finally sit down and watch.

    For starters, everything was on point. The performances, the directing, the cinematography, the score. Everything except for the script.

    My goodness, what a disappointing film. The more I think about it, the worse it becomes. I touched on this a bit in my Letterboxd review, but to reiterate: it didn’t feel like a film about Princess Diana. It felt like a film about a chaotic indie film mother being superimposed onto Diana. I’m never going to imply I knew the woman personally, but it should say something if both of her children downright loathed the film.

    The movie was a very shallow venture into the turbulent life of a very real person, and it was clumsily handled at best, and poorly done at worst. The constant usage of “fuck” and no other curses also felt like we were taking a leap into the “improper” just for the sake of it, not in order to capture a side of Diana unseen to the public. I’m sure she’s probably let a few curses slip in her day, but the “unhinged” light they decided to paint her in felt more like the film was a propaganda piece against her rather than trying to depict her as human.

    Another thing: the Anne Boleyn plot thread. It’s a good idea on paper- I’m sure the parallels and comparisons were too tantalizing to resist- but in practice it was very on-the-nose. A clever writer wouldn’t have the apparition of Boleyn literally address the woman; there are much better ways to go about it, and this is yet again why the movie fails to come across as anything other than vapid.

    It doesn’t contribute anything new. Doesn’t offer up a new perspective for Diana’s life, how she may have felt. Didn’t dive into it in any meaningful way. Just like her sons said: it felt very exploitative. I’ve also seen others offer up the word “histrionic,” and that just as much fits, as well.

    I’m sure no one wants to be portrayed in an unflattering light, but rather than feel like we were peering into the life of a broken woman who was understandably responding to various stressors and pressures in unhealthy, human ways, it felt like it was more focused on making her come across as unstable as possible. As if she were sick in the head. As if the British Royal Family were in the right to dispose of her. Yet another person who has used her as a stepping stone to further themselves at her own expense.

    Very sad.

  • I SHOULD START SELLING MY BELONGINGS

    Over the years I’ve built up quite a collection of things. I’m not even sure when it happened, too. Usually I pack pretty light, as I prefer, and I’m not really a fan of having so much stuff. But now I’ve almost clambered down to the bare essentials, and I still can’t let anything go!

    So I’m probably going to start selling stuff. I have a lot of things I could get rid of since I have use for them no longer. It would earn me a pretty penny, too. I think that’s my main motivator. I just want the cash.

    It’s not even like a clutter. All of my things are stuffed in a closet, looking comparatively cluttered since our house is so small. It would allow me to move freely, too, if I only had to go with some fun things and a suitcase full of clothes.

    Guess I should start packing, huh?

  • COLLEGE STUDENT COUCH SURFER

    So I’m sleeping on the couch.

    We just bought a couch the other day (and by “we” I mean my mom) because the last one we had was a dainty little love seat that was probably upholstered by the Victorians, so it wasn’t suitable for everyday use. Which is insane, because it’s furniture, but I digress.

    Anyway, my mom bought this gorgeous couch recently, and she’s been awaiting its arrival until it finally came yesterday. 72″ of chartreuse/mustard yellow velvet beauty, and I have to say, this mug is comfortable.

    She bought it with the purpose of it not just being a seating area for us, but also a bed. I’ve pretty much shared a bed with her every time I’ve gotten back from school, because our house is a shoebox and really only has one real bedroom. It would work a bit better if I slept at more normal times, but my laptop only gets so dark, and she has a real job, so separate sleeping areas were needed at some point.

    I spent my first night on the couch last night, because it wasn’t at all difficult to set up, and I have to say, it was pretty comfy! I prefer firmer sleeping surfaces, and I definitely got that here, although it’s apparent that I’m going to be spending the next few nights figuring out what’s the best way to sleep on this. I just barely have enough clearance to fully lay down on this, and to give you a better picture I’m 5’2, so that’s saying something.

    But I don’t mind. I can honestly sleep just about anywhere. I’ve slept standing up. I’ve slept sitting on bar stools. I’ve sleep on concrete floors, and one time I even fell asleep in the shower! No, I don’t have narcolepsy, just a lot of sleep debt, and it seems like comfort is no a qualification for catching up on it.

    Anyway, this is still super fun and aesthetic to sit on during the day, especially now that I’m positioned right in front of the window unit during the middle of hot-as-hell-precursor-to-worse June, so this couldn’t be a better set-up for me. I can actually wear sweatshirts without catching a heatstroke!

    And it even came in this huge box that I can turn into a recording booth! And personally, I think this is preparing me for a maybe future of backpacking and hostel sleeping, so this is a win in my book!

  • WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD

    Sometimes I want to be an author in a secluded cabin somewhere, where I can write my little stories and make a modest means without ever having to leave, never having to interact with anyone outside my four walls. 

    And other times I stop to admire the beauty of nature when I’m walking, how flitting bumblebees move from flower to flower, how groups of people laugh at brunch, how children scream in delight running on playgrounds, or how I have a pleasant conversation with the grocer at the store, and then I remember that I do love life and the people around it, and it is a wonderful world.

  • CHICORY FLOWER; BLOOMS FOR JUST A FEW HOURS

    I found myself suddenly fascinated with learning about Chicory after having drank some in my coffee today, same as I always do.

    They’re such an interesting flower, filled with so many uses and surrounded by so many myths. Despite being a weed, they’re not typically considered invasive, mostly because they tend to mind their business as they grow along the roadside.

    My favorite part, though, are the flowers of the chicory. They aren’t technically considered flowers; rather, each petal is its own flower, a smaller part of a larger “flower head” called a floret.

    For simplicity’s sake, they’re called flowers, and they tend to come up as the sun does, and close sometime early afternoon, after which they will shrivel up and fall off, where it’s then replaced by a new flower in another location the following day. That’s so fascinating, really, a flower that blooms only once for a few hours.

  • SPOT THE DIFFERENCE (I CAN)

    You know what I really, really, really adore? Spot-the-difference games. I can’t quite remember how good I was at “I Spy” since it’s been a few years since I’ve played that, but I’ve been killing these recent influx of indie horror games that require a keen eye for survival.

    Case in point: I’m On Observation Duty. I swear I’m obsessed with that game. Specifically the fourth one, since that’s when the developers found their mojo. The fifth one is basically a more advanced rendition of that, and I haven’t played the sixth game, but I’m pretty certain it’s just like the other two.

    Anyway, I’m incredible at those games, and that’s not a brag I can say lightly. Despite having…okayish hand-eye coordination thanks to having been drawing eighteen out of my twenty-one years alive (wow, when you put it that way…), I suck utter blowhole at video games. I just don’t have the independent usage of my hands in order to thrive at them. I have to use my hands together- you know, typing, etc…I can’t use my hands unless they’re doing the same task, or at least similar enough to trick my brain into thinking they are.

    So, I’m not super good at using WASD, and I really should switch over to using EASD, since the keys are closer, but then I can’t reach the shift button or anything…Anyway, you catch my drift. I usually blow at regular video games, which is why I’m finally in good ground when I have a game that requires none of that. That’s right, we’re taking hands out of the equation and focusing solely on the eyes.

    They don’t call me “Sly Eye Simone” for nothing…actually, they call me “Quicksilver Simone,” but I’m sure someone somewhere out there has noticed my penchant for observation.

    I’ve always had a natural inclination and thrill for noticing details. You couldn’t slip this shit past the FBI if you tried, which is why I sometimes still debate whether or not I should go work for them before I turn 35. I’ve solved enough party murder mysteries to be a candidate in the running.

    But I digress. Back to the video games. Anyway, after I played about twenty hours total of all the Observation Duty games (which, I know isn’t a lot, but gaming tends to fall to the wayside when I don’t have the time, and as a busy uni student, I tend to not have much of it), I started itching for more. Not that I was bored of it, or anything, but there aren’t too many games out there like it, even if there have been a recent influx of anomaly-based spot-the-difference games, like Alternate Watch or Caught on Camera. (And, while I was in the middle of writing this post, I actually ended up coming across another one called Anomaly Exit, which is similar in style to Exit 8, which actually had another game called Platform 8…maybe I’m just not looking in the right place, ironically…)

    Which leads me back to my latest obsession: That’s Not My Neighbor. Or That’s not my Neighbor, if you want to stylize it the way it’s written. I know I’m a few months late to the party, but it’s the thought that counts, not the price tag on the gift. Either way, this is exactly my cup of tea, and I’ll down it boiling hot if I have to. If there’s two things I love, it’s job simulator games and anomalies. And oh boy, do I love me some anomalies.

    This is exactly the kind of affordable entertainment I’ve already spent like four hours on, and I just bought the game two days ago. I think I’m a little too good at it, though. Other than the back-to-back Nightmare runs I made of the game (which really do require more trial and error), I have yet to get anything lower than an S ranking for the game, or even be killed by a doppelganger. Does that make it any less fun? Hell no! I never get the opportunity to say I can crush a game with ease!

    Of course, now that I’m outwardly bragging to the world that I’m good at it, that means I’m going to blow hard on it later, but I feel like I’ve earned my bragging rights. And it’s not like the game still isn’t challenging. You start doubting your judgements, start wondering if you’ve overlooked anything…It’s still no walk in the park! I’ve just developed a sort of confidence from it.

    Matter of fact, maybe I should go play some right now…it is summer break, after all.

    (And on the topic of this game, it first came on my radar after seeing it pop up on my Twitter timeline. Not the game itself, though, but the Milkman. Yes, the one who’s got several pairs of panties wet because he looks like an Americanized Sangwoo knock-off.

    Funny enough, I actually came across him several months before I even knew what this game was. YouTube decided to autoplay a short, and it was some FlipaClip-tier animation meme featuring his many forms. I had no clue who he was and was mostly annoyed that YouTube put it on my screen, so I paid it no mind until someone pointed out that THIS was the guy everyone was going crazy over for that brief period of time.)

    (I’m not saying I approve of it, but I understand.)

    (Edit: Holy fuck, I found a treasure trove of these things! I take back what I said- I’m as blind as a bat! I just wasn’t looking right at all!)

  • FIRST CONTEST (IT ENDS TONIGHT)

    The most exciting part about finishing any project is submitting it to contests. Yay!

    Last semester, I wrote a screenplay for my screenwriting class. I’ve mentioned it here before, I think on a few posts prior to this one, but I said I was going to submit it to a contest this year, now that I actually have a finished work to enter into something.

    And enter it I did! I sent it in earlier tonight, right before I went to an indie film screening for an hour (because I’ve been dying to have some new experiences, you heard?). I’d been reworking it a bit for the past couple of days, but I couldn’t really get into the zone, you know? After I printed it out and marked it up the old fashioned way, I was having a really hard time getting my brain to focus in the flow. I was trying to force it, it wasn’t working, so I stepped back for a few days until I felt like I felt it come back to me.

    I really wanted to submit it on the twelfth (aka yesterday), so I was delighted that I woke up out of whatever funk I’d been in the past week or so with the enthusiasm to write. Man, it felt good! I felt like my mind finally clicked into place. Maybe that’s what that feeling was- it was the imminent end of my miserable mood!

    I won’t know for a while whether I progress in the competition or not, but who cares! I’m just glad to have submitted it at all!

  • COMING TO AN END

    For some reason, it feels like something is ending soon. Like in a few days, something will come to a close.

    I was struck with the feeling just yesterday. It was a cool wave of calm that washed over me. I’ve felt this before, but it’s usually accompanied by panic or unease. This time, though, it’s all very factual. Very straightforward.

    It’s not really clear if the feeling is good or bad, it’s just…there. I think that aspect unnerves me more than anything, that I can’t really tell what it means.

    The strangest thing is that it’s an external feeling, but now that I’ve acknowledged it, it’ll turn out to be nothing. A warning that never comes to fruition is called exercising caution.